


Mind Freak (2011)

by JennyB



Series: Lent 2011 [13]
Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Angst, Blood, Dark, Insanity, Introspection, Lent Challenge 2011, Mindfuck, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-21
Updated: 2011-03-21
Packaged: 2018-01-06 15:59:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1108755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyB/pseuds/JennyB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's hard to keep the darkness at bay. Sometimes, the harder you try to run, the darker your shadows become.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mind Freak (2011)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Lent Challenge 2011.

The water runs first red, then pink, as I wash the blood from my hands. Again. More youkai are dead by my hand. More humans are, too - the ones I couldn't save. The townspeople blame me for their losses; in a sense, I suppose they're right to condemn me. Another battle fought, and the weight of my chains has only increased.

_What have you done, Cho Gonou?_

I look into the mirror in front of me, and I expect to see him standing at my side, hissing those poisonous words of his lowly into my ear, the venom behind them deadlier than anything his centipedes ever possessed. Yet instead of the cold, dead eyes and the pale hair with the long prince's lock, I see only my reflection. And when I look into my own eyes, I feel only shame. I glance away, turning my attention to the shower. Why must my psyche carry _his_ voice?

I'm grateful that I have a single room tonight. I know I've been standing under the spray for too long, and surely someone would have been banging on the door by now to demand his turn. As it is, they'll be coming to collect me soon to go to dinner. My mind barely registers that the water has gone cold; it feels warm in comparison to his voice.

_A killer does what a killer does, Cho Gonou. Eradicating the Centipede Clan did little to temper that bloodlust of yours, isn't that right, taijiya? How many did you add to your tally today? My, my...you barely seem to notice the blood when you get it on your clothing anymore. Tell me, if you kill another thousand will you add another power limiter to your ear to keep your humanity in check? Quite the 'badge of honour' that would be, no? Though what will you do when there's no more room. At the rate you're going, it shouldn't be too much longer before you find out, eh?_

My whole body is numb as I turn off the water, and I'm shaking uncontrollably as I reach for a towel. I tell myself it's because of the cold. After all, such a thing can't possibly be true. Probably not, anyway.

I hope.

Being in the restaurant helps. The warmth of the fire in the hearth and the conversations going on around me keep _him_ silent. The different subjects and accents serve as a suitable distraction. I'd like to say that being around my ikkou does, too, but that's not always the case. They truly are a blessing, but at times, they're nothing but a curse. My companions have the capacity to enrage even the most stalwart pacifist and when I feel like I do tonight, their bad behaviour only feeds my own darkness - which makes _his_ voice that much louder. I would never tell them so, but sometimes, I truly do resent them for their ability to so completely shatter the tenuous balance that exists inside of me.

An argument between Goku and Gojyo breaks out over the last piece of tempura. They seem incapable of sharing it. As their voices grow louder, Sanzo draws out his fan, shouting over them as he reprimands them both. I shift slightly in my seat, feeling the eyes of the other patrons on our table. For a brief moment, I wonder how quickly I could silence them all - permanently.

_Oh, what will you do, Cho Gonou? For you, it would be so easy, you know. It wouldn't be the first time you'd killed someone you cared about. Doing it by your own hand this time would be a novelty, no? Besides, what's another sin or three measured against your soul?_

I clench my hands into fists to quell the tingling of chi I feel in my fingertips, force a plastic smile to my face, and excuse myself. I apologize on their behalf to the four other tables, buying each a bottle of sake as compensation. Some of the people look at me with pity, and some with indignation. I find the whole thing humiliating; the rest of my party seems apathetic to it. When I sit back down, Goku and Gojyo mumble an apology and neither one seems interested in the tempura anymore. My stomach twists unpleasantly, as if I'm going to be sick, and though I know I'll wind up listening to _him_ , I suddenly want to go to my room.

Sanzo has other plans. He tells me he wants a haircut. I laugh slightly; the sound seems fake and hollow to my ears, but none of my trio comments on it. I tell Sanzo I'll meet him in his room, and I head to my own to get my grooming kit. Sanzo reads his paper while I work, and as I stand in front of him to check the length, he tells me I can do what I want, but he's not about to start paying for Goku and Gojyo's stupidity.

I pause, the tips of my scissors resting at Sanzo's carotid artery. I can see his pulse beating silently against his skin, taunting me.

_Do it._

The scissors open, and after a moment I resume cutting. Sanzo's comment surprises me, but yet it doesn't. I'm disappointed, but nod and manage a smile. I'm going to have to either hustle someone at cards or leave town with my debt unpaid. Neither option is particularly comforting, and this time, I don't just hear his voice, I _feel_ his presence.

_I no longer want your heart, Cho Gonou. I've claimed your soul._

Logically I know that the puppeteer is gone, but I can still feel the pull of his strings. I look at the scissors I hold, and they tremble slightly. I've tried to bury the ghosts of my past and move forward, but I haven't managed yet. I sometimes wonder how long it will be before they - no _he_ \- returns to finally bury me.


End file.
